Black-Hole Voting

Black Hole Voting
  *by Scoppertop

What really sucks my lifeforce into the nearest abyss is all the analyzing and chad-picking about how our 2000, 2002, 2004, Iraq, and now the Mexico elections were stolen according to the three R's: race, religion, and richness. All the least desirable votes in those categories mysteriously vaporized. Not that the chad-pickers are wrong, they just offer no solutions.

Instead, they hurl accusations at warp-speed. With black hole voting, paper ballots are probably not the answer. Plus, they can be zapped just as easily as the untraceable votes. We need black hole campaign reform -- I kinda like the idea of liars and criminals being ejected off the planet into the troposphere and beyond.

THE NEXT SELECTION

Now that Karl's back to manning Battleship Badmouth, Pillory Hillary and Sideswipe Rice pre-qualify for the new 2008 Conventions' Head Start Programs. Galactic Sandkickers will be replacing flip-flops, or Zell Miller. Choose one.

I can already see the grit hitting the delegates. DNC's poster girl will be an evil-eye cyclops photoshop image of Sideswipe saying "It's Condi -- with an i," and RNC's will show a drowning Pillory clutching a rope tied to a toilet seat with the caption, "Hillary's Whitewater can't even afford to float an innertube behind Chevron's Condoleezza Rice."

I guess Neocon-types grow up learning to bomb...uhhh, rape...uhhh, pick on girls. Women are the original slaves -- the last humans given the right to vote, own property, run a church, or run for political office -- and it's the only reason women don't run this country. Or do we?

American women outvote our men by 3 percent. We give birth to little consumers. Anti-Abortion legislation guarantees more little consumers will grow up to be taxpayers -- just in time to save Social Security -- or fight planetary enemi...uhhh, terrorism.

CODE: RED ALERT!

Women have better ideas than men. At least I do. For example, military recruitment is only down because they're trolling for soldiers in all the wrong spots. My new "Code: Red Alert" Program will place Recruiters at mall, fundamentalist church, and "Town Hall Meeting" parking lots. They'll stake out vehicles with GOP or W stickers, whose owners have to leave sometime. Recruiters will shout Red Alert!, and GOP-vehicle owners will be shamed into enlisting a family member, or fight in Iraq themselves. Choose one.

There's one little problem with "Code: Red Alert." In the wake of WMD-gate, Fake-Osama-gate, Torture-gate, Wiretapping-gate, Port Security-gate, Divine Strake-gate, ad nauseum, W stickers are slowly dematerializing. In some cases, Recruiters will be able to spy a square of adhesive when the sticker has been removed. This is a no-no. Our Military must be able to identify people who voted for war but didn't feel the need to participate.

WILL IT HURT?

This is a job for Diebold! (Sorry, Karl, machines elect leaders, not people!) Voting systems don't need a paper trail -- they need a touch-screen program that will inject a party-choice-encoded flashing RFID chip under the index fingernail of every voter. GOPwarts will approve it, they're obviously into torture.

Republican voters can check their chip at a scanner to make sure their finger flashes red, ET-style, before they exit the polls. Then they, or their first-borns, can be escorted straight to Boot Camp, while blue, green, and purple fingers float serenely away from the black hole.