Sunday, August 27, 2006

How to Speak in Tongues to Ann Coulter

How to Speak in Tongues to Ann Coulter
  *by Scoppertop

The party according to Ann "same initials as the Anti-Christ" Coulter apparently has its own club, and she recently invited alleged petty shoplifter Claude Allen* into the billfold. Berating the New York Times coverage of Allen’s adventures in customer refunds, besides her archaic "three strikes" analogy, Ann’s stoop-d’tat sentence in her "Revenge of the Queers" column was this one:

"I've never seen people enjoy another person's private pain so much —
at least not since a prosecutor started investigating Rush Limbaugh
for taking too many back pain pills."

Rush’s private pain has downshifted to Viagra status, and Ann is still harlottely basking in the attention given to her blasphemy of the 9/11 widows. The only "broad" I can see is the space between Ann’s horns, since I’ve never seen a non-possessed person enjoying death so much. If Democrats are Godless, the A-C must be Soulless.


All right, then. Maybe Ann would like to play more of my lengthy, perversely pleasurable game called "Revenge of the Quotes." I don’t have that long to live -- thank Godless.

I’ll go first. Ann’s private pain must be neo-speak for unmentionable illegal activities of sociopathically-inclined famous people. In Scoppertop’s club, private pain has unmentionable-non-illegal-activities of normal, non-sociopathic-people status, but we were talking about Ann’s club. See? This game is child’s play.

In Ann’s club, what born-again Neocons do to avoid private pain is play frat-boy pranks like buying cartloads of stuff to keep and getting refunds on different cartloads of identical stuff. Or soliciting teenage girls and boys on the internet. Or voting illegally using an address where you’ve never lived while hideously insulting the wives of victims of the biggest hoax ever perpetrated on any nation in history. Ask Michael Ruppert.


Ann mostly loves to torment Democrats -- she often prophesies that they’re "known for unprotected sex with men they don’t intend to marry." Am I allowed to wonder how many of Ann’s ex-fiances were coerced into engagement by her promise of quasi-legitimate pre-marital sex? I think there were four of them, so A-C’s 4 for 4 in the private pain (PP) department.

Ann also claims Republicans are known as the anti-slavery party. Hmmm. Funny how all the anti-slavery party members relocated to the former pro-slavery States -- and aren’t we all slaves to their price-gouging and propaganda? Two more P’s for A-C’s chastity belt. But back to my favorite game.


Ann’s showcase begins with a time-travel trip to beautiful 1940’s Bavaria, complete with Nazi accent:

"Just a few weeks ago, (Al) Gore gave a speech accusing the Bush administration
of deploying "digital Brown Shirts" to intimidate journalists and pressure the media
into writing good things about Bush, in case you were wondering where all those
glowing articles about Bush were coming from." Ann Coulter 7/26/04

I derive my game’s perverse pleasure in knowing the digital brown shirts have since been exorcised, Ann... et Tu? Am I allowed to wonder whether the above could be an example of Ann’s alleged plagiaristic tendencies? In retrospect, A-C is correct -- Bush’s approval ratings have taken on a rather radioactive glow lately. Wouldn’t you know, I’d also like to suggest a name with lots of W’s for Ann’s club -- but I can’t think of one.


A-C’s secret favorite is concealing a fabulous four-year safari through the African veldt, playing blind-man’s bluff (or was their game called patsy-yellowcake?) with your personal "Club-Head" tour-guide:

"Rove had simply said Wilson went to Niger because of his wife, not his skill, expertise,
or common sense. It was the clown himself who outed his wife as an alleged "covert"
agent by saying he was not recommended by his wife, and thus the White House must
have been retaliating against him by mentioning his wife." Ann Coulter 7/13/05

What a trip. Gee, Ann, I’m beginning to wonder about your legal qualifications, too. Maybe you paid some blonde to take the bar exam FOR you and THAT’s why you dye your hair that yellowfake color!


Before we reveal the divine Abyss #3, let’s examine Ann’s bidding. We know presumed-innocents Claude Allen, Karl Rove, and Rush Limbaugh are recruits for the A-C club. How about Scooter-Pants Libby? One-Shot Cheney? Tom DeLayer Cake and Eat It Too? Jack--uhhhh--who-be-moff? And will there ever be a posthumous induction for Ken "where’s-the-body-and-when’s-the-funeral" Lay?

Ann is going to have to do better than squawk her mantra, "Take the NEO-Testimonial" to attract paying* membership. Here’s her Neomission Statement, in tongues:

~Bush is the Lord thy God, thou shalt suffer His word without end.

~Thou shalt worship no other God before Bush, blaming thou the graven Clinton image for all disasters.

~Thou shalt not speak the name of the Lord thy God in private pain.

~Remember the Election Day, and keep it hole-y.

~Honor thy father and thy mother, especially if they have offshore accounts.

~Thou shalt not kill, unless provoked, imaginary WMDs or not.

~Thou shalt not commit adultery, but mistresses, pedophilia, and porn aren’t really sex.

~Thou shalt not steal. Call it "suggested retail price" instead.

~Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor except for use as political capital and pre-emptive war. Don’t forget to block cease-fire attempts!

~Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, wife, ass, etc., only thy 2006 percent-per-gallon mark-up.

~Thou shalt not pay, in any way, shape, or form.[*]


And now I present the showcase Ann covets most, Abyss #3, where the contestant who bids closest to the actual retail price -- or is it cost -- receives Everlasting Life-Support in the Holy Land and the handy "Get Out of Hell Free Card." Democrats are Godless and therefore rendered ineligible for inclusion in the New Jerusalem, Heaven, or Hell, according to A-C, who dances the Apo-Calypso on their graves as an added bonus:

"In the history of the nation, there has never been a political party so ridiculous as today's Democrats. It's as if all the brain-damaged people in America got together and formed a voting bloc." Ann Coulter 1/12/06

Scoppertop is not a Democrat, but is brain-damaged, i.e., it’s too bad I couldn’t think of a fitting name for Ann’s club. I did manage to think of a sign with lots of W’s that Ann can post in the window of her clubhouse to pull people in off the street -- Wack-Ins Welcome -- and she’ll need a slogan: Keep the W sticker. Lose the Wisdom.


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