Monday, October 30, 2006

Electus Interruptus

*by Scoppertop
Copyright 2006

On November 7, U.S. citizens will go to bed horny, but wake up in Nightmerica. The uggg’ggly. We’re setting ourselves up for pre-orgasmic letdown, according to “Badmouth” Rove, who has access to GOP-victory software, I meaneth, polls the rest of us know nothing about.

GOPwarts is now running the Super-Savior Special -- a Swiftboat in the hand is worth two in the Bush. Like turnabout isn’t fair play. Here’s the campaign ad I’d like to see plastered on the airwaves over the next week:

[Fade In: Author/Narrator voiceover, Roll Diebold Voting Machine Source Code]

Maybe GOPwarts’ base only understands a Holy language--one spoken by those individuals in direct contact with God. Some ancient tongue. Or the King's Spanglish.

[Roll 2000-2004 Election Results]

Brought to you by the Bush Family Multitude of servile accomplices. 2006? Abyssmal...President Evil II getteth two-thumbs down. Sneak Preview? Faithful Leader Exorcises 2008 Election Due To War with an Oil-Producing Country Requiring Resurrection Near You! (End Note: OR--Jeb Rules--subtitled: Oh--you’re the president’s brother? How nice for you!)

[Roll New York 9-11 Montage]

In The Beginning, Larry Silverstein,, lease WTC buildings in July 2001 at $3.2 billion, insure against terrorist Jihad, then trotteth ass home with righteous profit, after suing Insurers for double blood money--since two planes hit two monoliths at two different times. Tsk. (End Note: No reports of "laying on of cash" heal victims' families!) Tsk, Tsk.

Larry even collecteth an extra $500 million on "pulled" Building 7. (End Note: My own insurance got cancelled after I was merely robbed.) How convenient for you, Larr--all three gone before Sabbath Day!

[Roll Pentagon Smoking Hole]

Air Force One Cometh Not. Camera Film Runneth Away. Only the renovated section getteth hit. (End Note: Maybe their Insurers hateth the new look!) Cover-Up nominated for Best Supporting Performance in a Purification.

[Roll Patriot Act Document]

100-page Overnight Miracle thrust into law like a Pagan Orgy! PNAC Host of Kind Benefactors luxuriate post-coitally in The White Temple, pouring saltpetre on our crucified sensibilities. They giveth us guns. Scribes taketh notes for Neo-Testament. (End Note: Coming Soon! Take the Neo-Testimonial!)

[Roll Bin Laden Montage]

Osama Bin Laden--alive, threatening, and taking credit for 9-11 on prime-time, after having denied it, O Repeatedly, forever and ever! (End Note: Judas Priest! Another Bush Disciple down the oil pipeline!) Our troops are still in Afghanistan guarding Democracy -- I meaneth, the Road to service said pipeline. I do pray Osama didn't needeth our tax money to produce his timely little warnings.

[Roll Iraq War Montage]

Three Intelligence Insults: Shock and Awe. No WMD. Iraqi Elections. C'mon, we knoweth already. Machines Elect Leaders--Not People! (End Note: Dear Diebold: Use of my slogan in your advertising will resulteth in civil lawsuit. You can’t use the gramatically correct form, Leaders Are Elected By Machines--Not By People, either.) Iraq Revolution against hellish occupation mistaken for Civil War. Stray the Course!

[Roll Environment Montage]

Worldwide asthma rates triple, not confining Bated Breath to Metropolises anymore! Polluting Industries maketh us think that cigarette smoke is the culprit behind this phenomenon (End Note: Very Clever.) Really clever if they think they only killeth Liberal Lungs with their Revelations. Holy Water turneth to sludge -- or gas. Fill ‘er Up!

[Roll Abortion/Gay Marriage Split Montage]

Hitched, by virtue of leprous build-up to Election Day tribunals. Those who have ears, let them hear. Most voters can't affordeth pregnancy terminations for their daughters. Duh. They can't afford gay male harlots, either. (End Note: Gay GOPwarters never get married, they’re too IM-barrassed.) The list goeth on.

[Roll Detention Camp Montage]

These are the stakes... if you soweth seeds of dissent, you will find yourself a place in the pokey! (End Note: Where the sun don’t shineth!) Americans will getteth mugged or killed, not for their iPods, but their RFID chips. Martial Law reigneth over the land.

[Roll Congress/White House Aerial Montage]

I’m not even going to mention the Halliburton Money-Changers, the Ken Lay Sacrificial Bull, or the...

[Sound FX: Ripping Fabric--lights fade to static background]

I Rent my Nightclothes! (End Note: I’m not even going to finish this commercial!)

You’ll have to finish the future yourselves, with your kids, I meaneth, lambs. (End Note: GOPwarts hath no lambs--but WE do!)

Good night, fellow Nightmericans--and heavenly dreams... (End Note: I hope a Democrat earnethed your vote.)

[Roll Touch-Screen Ballot with Democrat's Name Checked and Fade Out]


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