Monday, October 30, 2006

Electus Interruptus

*by Scoppertop
Copyright 2006

On November 7, U.S. citizens will go to bed horny, but wake up in Nightmerica. The uggg’ggly. We’re setting ourselves up for pre-orgasmic letdown, according to “Badmouth” Rove, who has access to GOP-victory software, I meaneth, polls the rest of us know nothing about.

GOPwarts is now running the Super-Savior Special -- a Swiftboat in the hand is worth two in the Bush. Like turnabout isn’t fair play. Here’s the campaign ad I’d like to see plastered on the airwaves over the next week:

[Fade In: Author/Narrator voiceover, Roll Diebold Voting Machine Source Code]

Maybe GOPwarts’ base only understands a Holy language--one spoken by those individuals in direct contact with God. Some ancient tongue. Or the King's Spanglish.

[Roll 2000-2004 Election Results]

Brought to you by the Bush Family Multitude of servile accomplices. 2006? Abyssmal...President Evil II getteth two-thumbs down. Sneak Preview? Faithful Leader Exorcises 2008 Election Due To War with an Oil-Producing Country Requiring Resurrection Near You! (End Note: OR--Jeb Rules--subtitled: Oh--you’re the president’s brother? How nice for you!)

[Roll New York 9-11 Montage]

In The Beginning, Larry Silverstein,, lease WTC buildings in July 2001 at $3.2 billion, insure against terrorist Jihad, then trotteth ass home with righteous profit, after suing Insurers for double blood money--since two planes hit two monoliths at two different times. Tsk. (End Note: No reports of "laying on of cash" heal victims' families!) Tsk, Tsk.

Larry even collecteth an extra $500 million on "pulled" Building 7. (End Note: My own insurance got cancelled after I was merely robbed.) How convenient for you, Larr--all three gone before Sabbath Day!

[Roll Pentagon Smoking Hole]

Air Force One Cometh Not. Camera Film Runneth Away. Only the renovated section getteth hit. (End Note: Maybe their Insurers hateth the new look!) Cover-Up nominated for Best Supporting Performance in a Purification.

[Roll Patriot Act Document]

100-page Overnight Miracle thrust into law like a Pagan Orgy! PNAC Host of Kind Benefactors luxuriate post-coitally in The White Temple, pouring saltpetre on our crucified sensibilities. They giveth us guns. Scribes taketh notes for Neo-Testament. (End Note: Coming Soon! Take the Neo-Testimonial!)

[Roll Bin Laden Montage]

Osama Bin Laden--alive, threatening, and taking credit for 9-11 on prime-time, after having denied it, O Repeatedly, forever and ever! (End Note: Judas Priest! Another Bush Disciple down the oil pipeline!) Our troops are still in Afghanistan guarding Democracy -- I meaneth, the Road to service said pipeline. I do pray Osama didn't needeth our tax money to produce his timely little warnings.

[Roll Iraq War Montage]

Three Intelligence Insults: Shock and Awe. No WMD. Iraqi Elections. C'mon, we knoweth already. Machines Elect Leaders--Not People! (End Note: Dear Diebold: Use of my slogan in your advertising will resulteth in civil lawsuit. You can’t use the gramatically correct form, Leaders Are Elected By Machines--Not By People, either.) Iraq Revolution against hellish occupation mistaken for Civil War. Stray the Course!

[Roll Environment Montage]

Worldwide asthma rates triple, not confining Bated Breath to Metropolises anymore! Polluting Industries maketh us think that cigarette smoke is the culprit behind this phenomenon (End Note: Very Clever.) Really clever if they think they only killeth Liberal Lungs with their Revelations. Holy Water turneth to sludge -- or gas. Fill ‘er Up!

[Roll Abortion/Gay Marriage Split Montage]

Hitched, by virtue of leprous build-up to Election Day tribunals. Those who have ears, let them hear. Most voters can't affordeth pregnancy terminations for their daughters. Duh. They can't afford gay male harlots, either. (End Note: Gay GOPwarters never get married, they’re too IM-barrassed.) The list goeth on.

[Roll Detention Camp Montage]

These are the stakes... if you soweth seeds of dissent, you will find yourself a place in the pokey! (End Note: Where the sun don’t shineth!) Americans will getteth mugged or killed, not for their iPods, but their RFID chips. Martial Law reigneth over the land.

[Roll Congress/White House Aerial Montage]

I’m not even going to mention the Halliburton Money-Changers, the Ken Lay Sacrificial Bull, or the...

[Sound FX: Ripping Fabric--lights fade to static background]

I Rent my Nightclothes! (End Note: I’m not even going to finish this commercial!)

You’ll have to finish the future yourselves, with your kids, I meaneth, lambs. (End Note: GOPwarts hath no lambs--but WE do!)

Good night, fellow Nightmericans--and heavenly dreams... (End Note: I hope a Democrat earnethed your vote.)

[Roll Touch-Screen Ballot with Democrat's Name Checked and Fade Out]

Monday, October 16, 2006


*by Scoppertop
Copyright 2006

Back to School. Isn’t it interesting how the well-placed addition of the letter “W” can turn the word conservative, an adjective, into an action verb, con-swervative? Whatever the word, doesn’t it kinda conjure up visions of Halloween candy dancing in the heads of college Republicans, while snug in their beds?

No? In last year’s pre-October surprise, Bush lectured the earth in preparation for his Iran invasion in NYC at the 2005 UN Security Council Summit, which I’m sure sounded like the voice of my grandmother over the bellowing they’d been hearing from his monstrous creation, John Neck-Bolton. Snaa’aaarl.

BTW, Grandmother always said, “When people say something bad about somebody else, they’re really talking about themselves.” Why, it's Grammie’s old “takes-one-to-know-one” routine, and the eve of Iran-Gate ‘06 seems the perfect time to share my handed-down analysis.


Text from Bush’s UN speech is used here to demonstrate the “swerve” technique -- he begins his self-revealing banter as early as paragraph two, right after the opening niceties:

“We meet just over two months after the terror attacks in London, one year after the terrorist massacre of schoolchildren in Beslan, and four years after the terrorist attack in this city. Acts of terrorism like these emerge from a radical ideology that tolerates no dissent, and justifies the murder of innocent people as the best way to achieve its goals.” G.W. Bush, 9/14/05

Uhh, last I checked, Bush has actually upped his intolerance to “combative” dissent with his neo-Military Commissions Act, and, uhhh-oh... isn’t murder what “he” did to the “now deceased” Iraqi “innocent” people who got in “his” way? In our name? About 655,000 of them at last report?


Bush has been telling us for years that staying the course for victory (which implies the existence of a country of losers -- Tsk) is the best way to achieve our goals in Iraq. Why are “these” acting radical ideologues’ goals any different than “his?” Bush now thinks the answer is found in the Iraqi toleration of a level of violence (read: murder) toward 655,000 “real” humans in their quest for freedom. It’s almost at Biblical levels of toleration.

There’s more... and again, it’s Abra-ka-Dubya’s brand of revelatory magic:

“The United States also reaffirms its commitment
to support the prevention of unjust armed conflict,
particularly in Africa...”
-- G.W. Bush, 9/14/05

Did ka-Dubya’s statement come with the hidden disclaimer, “except for me, whereas, I reserve the right to fabricate so-called enemy possession of WMDs, AND I’m allowed to use criminal acts of treason to prevent anyone from exposing evidence of my fabrications.”


Next up, ka-Dubya reveals he’s had a plan all along -- and “real” humans could wisely change this plan to fit Bush and his “enablers,” if we want to stop their neo-shenanigans:

“We must do all we can to disrupt each stage of planning
and support for terrorist acts. Each of us must act, consistent
with past Security Council resolutions, to freeze terrorists' assets;
to deny terrorists freedom of movement by using effective border
controls and secure travel documents; to prevent terrorists from
acquiring weapons, including weapons of mass destruction.”
-- G.W. Bush, 9/14/05

Unwittingly, ka-Dubya has provided us with Grammie’s solution to rid the free planet of “these” G.I. Joe action-figures that call themselves our leaders -- just substitute the words, “The United States” for “We,” and “unjust armed conflict ” for “terrorist acts,” and “Bush Enabler(s)” for “terrorist(s),” and... Ohhh, alright, I’ll just swerve his words here for you:

“THE UNITED STATES must do all we can to disrupt each stage
of planning and support for UNJUST ARMED CONFLICT. Each of us
must act, consistent with past U.S. CONSTITUTION resolutions, to
freeze BUSH ENABLERS’ assets; to deny BUSH ENABLERS’ freedom
of movement by using effective CRIMINAL INCARCERATION controls
and secure (confiscate) BUSH ENABLERS’ travel documents, to prevent
BUSH ENABLERS from acquiring (and using) weapons, including
(manufacturing and maintaining) weapons of mass destruction.”
-- Scoppertop 10/13/06. Wouldn’t ya’ know...

Paging UN Security Council Members -- get on it pronto, but keep it secret from Neck-Bolton... and don’t forget to freeze the BUSH ENABLERS’ assets that were secreted into their offshore bank accounts! Talk about smoked-offshore bacon... A refund of our taxpayer money from frozen (read: liquidated) Con-U warmonger assets would be a nice bonus outcome to a UN-enforced end to the Iraq war.


Just over one year later, ka-Dubya is busy pulling the dusty “Illusion of WMD” trick out of Iran’s hat, but his magician-costume sleeves are too “rolled up” to hide the nuculars. Bush Enablers can’t even hide their lies under the USS Eisenhower flotilla, now parked near Iran’s Halloween-decorated territorial waters -- a sacrificial lamb if I ever saw one.

Bloody hell! Bush might as well drag Iran’s WMD through the mud of New Orleans so our new neo-media “critics” have something dirty to pounce on, instead of egging Iran to pounce on a territory-invading flotilla... why couldn’t it be Chevon’s “The Condoleezza Rice” sitting out there?

Too bad they don’t teach anything except how to be a white-collar criminal at Con-U. Bush’s last Iran-Gate revelation was part of the closing niceties -- by now, you can see the swerve for yourselves:

“Terrorism and armed conflict are not only threats to
our security, they're the enemies of development and
freedom for millions.”
-- G.W. Bush, 9/14/05

Other security threats and enemies of development and freedom that ka-Dubya fails to mention are: Karl “Bad-mouth” Rove, his VP, his SOD, his SOS, his AG, his speechwriters, his appointees, his invited audiences, his rigged election-machines, his propaganda, his prowling for dissenters, his family history, his corporate lobby, his gouging and subsidies, and his stock-market, war, and oil contractors in top government positions.


How could we forget our GOPwarts Congress-full of Con-U alumni with blatant disregard for the quality of anyone’s life but their own?

“These” and other Con-U lessons never end, they’re drilled into Bush Enablers’ heads repeatedly until the evil finally merges seamlessly with the gray matter -- Bush Enablers are the annoying little brats with Torture-ette Syndrome that we finally learned to ignore. Years ago. Before our feelings got hurt.

Is it becoming our duty to stoop to their level? It’s a start. There’s a reason that “devil” is nothing more than “evil” with a well-placed “D.” Those who have ears, let them hear the swerve.