Sunday, August 27, 2006

Freedom of Breach: The Amendments

*by Scoppertop
Copyright 2006


Americans have the freedom to pay 100 times more for electricity than it costs the utilities to provide. The freedom to pay $70 per month for a phone number that anyone can use, for example, to say they’re so sorry you missed your fraudulent appointment to have your satellite dish installed -- or that you won a Lexus RX330 in a sweepstakes they will claim you recently entered at the mall.

Obviously, there are living humans who still fall for this tactic, since solicitors wouldn’t be doing it otherwise. Deception has become a “product.” Even my bank account has become a product. Companies don’t give their products away. I don’t want to give mine away, either.

If a telephone solicitor wants to call any of my phone numbers, their company should pay me $1.00, automatically deducted from their bank account product and credited to my phone service product. If I have to answer, or they want to leave a message on my voice mail, they can pay me another dollar.

If my power is interrupted for any reason besides non-payment, I should be credited for one watt-hour, the extra spin on a meter when everything in the household surges back to life. If the phone goes out, I’ll want long distance revenge -- 5 cents for every minute I am deprived of my service. Ditto for water, with all those annoying bacteria, bubbles, and rust.

Why should I be forced to give away my products to unwanted customers? Junk mailers can credit my garbage pick-up service. Spammers can credit my ISP user account. Parking Lot flyer distributors can leave a $1.00 coupon toward my next car wash -- or my car insurance. Door-to-door salesmen can credit my homeowner's insurance. Industries who cloud local air and water with waste can credit my life and health insurance -- and pay to have my house painted (and clean my plumbing pipes and air ducts) every five years. The service I provide all of them costs me money.

I won’t mention the number of my hours spent per year fixing large corporate mistakes at, let’s say, $100 per hour. I'm worth it. I finally got rid of AOL, but had to hang up on the first service rep after 20 minutes of a sales spiel for their Broadband service, tell the "second" rep I was moving off the planet and no longer required AOL (I said “Jupiter” when he asked where I was going), return two “Thanks for Agreeing to Continue Your AOL Service” forms with “Error” box checked, and call Amex to change my credit card number. Total 2 hours. Where’s my $200?

I’d like to propose a solution -- Terms of Payment should replace Terms of Service policies. Let’s toss TOS! If you sell me a product or service (including government) that does what it is supposed to do, lasts as long as I do, and doesn’t create other problems in my life or wallet, screw up the environment, or kill me or my fellow humans, I’ll pay for it -- or you can take it back. In the meantime, I’ll just keep trying to get credited where credit is due.


Why is the standard deduction for income taxes only $5000? In 1913, it was $3000--an amount based on the cost of living for one year -- you couldn’t live under a freeway overpass on $5000 now. Looks like the IRS forgot what the deduction amount was supposed to represent.

I vaguely remember learning about Indexed Income Taxes in the Pre-Lobby, Pre-Multi-Trillion-Offshore-Tax-Haven years--and it worked like this: If you made below $3K, you paid nothing. $3K to Infinity went up the scale until the top earners paid 87% to Uncle Sam. It wasn’t profitable to overcharge or pay yourself unnecessarily lavish compensation if you only got to keep 13%.

We called it the American Way -- the idea proposed by our Revolutionary Forefathers to create a true democracy where citizens were free from all types of corruption and sociopathic price gouging, which is what Ben Franklin meant by "a Republic, if you can keep it," when he was asked what type of government the Forefathers were planning for us. Unfortunately, their idea also included getting rid of the rightful citizens here at the time.

This phenomenon is called the “Human Way,” not to be confused with the “Humane Way.” Now, George II is busy foisting the Human Way on the populace of the Middle East that surrounds Israel and its illegally occupied territories. Kids can be so cruel. How much will we be paying for gas once Georgie and his bullies own it all -- lock, stock, and $500 per tankful?


Why do American taxpayer dollars pay Halliburton,, to build oil pipelines overseas that belong, not to us, but to the oil companies? Why are we paying our troops to protect these privately-owned enterprises? Because Georgie Too calls it the War on Terror, that’s why. We’ll be paying for the Alaskan pipeline, too. Where's my rent money, or will he call it the War on Bigfoot?

Why don’t Americans recognize their own money when it reappears in somebody else’s wallet? Freedom of Breach has become the global product--and I have more “why” questions. Why are the oil companies allowed to charge so much for their products? Why does gas cost 25 cents more per gallon in Georgia than in Florida, Tennessee, Kentucky, or Ohio?

Why are billions of taxpayer dollars being given as subsidies to gargantuan corporations when we also have to pay for their products? Wall-to-Wal-Mart got $50 million last year for building one store in Florida -- Is that why they hired former Florida Congressman-turned Lobbyist Sam Gibbons as their mouthpiece? They just fired former-mayor-turned-Lobbyist Andrew Young last week for anti-Semitic comments so they could build one near downtown Atlanta. Wal-Mart should be using their own profits to expand their business, instead of ours.

Why does the video game industry make violence "fun" for $10 billion a year--just from our American kids? Apparently, Hollywood should be so lucky. Why is the biggest money grubber Big Pharma, whose products kill 40,000 Americans per year -- death by allergic reaction? Oh, the terror!

Why did a bunch of prominent scientists on the brink of introducing cures for various diseases and non-polluting energy resources end up “mysteriously dead” recently? If something happens to our planet, the rich guys will be the ones living in the International Space Station, not us Mere Plebeians who happened to pay for the Space Program--if I don’t get to go, I want my money back.


Seeing as the rich guys got all their money from selling overpriced stuff to us and our ancestors, you’d think they’d let us have something for our contribution to their tax havens. Looks like these rich guys owe all of us poor customers a refund. At least, a return on our investment. Uncle Sam’s lobby gets that, too. What an expensive trick.

Last month, Warren Buffett gave $32 Billion to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. I’d like to make a suggestion to B & M for $280 million of it: Give ten thousand dollars to each US citizen next year on their birthday, automatically deducted from your non-profit foundation product and credited into our bank account product. Fair's fair.

How to Speak in Tongues to Ann Coulter

How to Speak in Tongues to Ann Coulter
  *by Scoppertop

The party according to Ann "same initials as the Anti-Christ" Coulter apparently has its own club, and she recently invited alleged petty shoplifter Claude Allen* into the billfold. Berating the New York Times coverage of Allen’s adventures in customer refunds, besides her archaic "three strikes" analogy, Ann’s stoop-d’tat sentence in her "Revenge of the Queers" column was this one:

"I've never seen people enjoy another person's private pain so much —
at least not since a prosecutor started investigating Rush Limbaugh
for taking too many back pain pills."

Rush’s private pain has downshifted to Viagra status, and Ann is still harlottely basking in the attention given to her blasphemy of the 9/11 widows. The only "broad" I can see is the space between Ann’s horns, since I’ve never seen a non-possessed person enjoying death so much. If Democrats are Godless, the A-C must be Soulless.


All right, then. Maybe Ann would like to play more of my lengthy, perversely pleasurable game called "Revenge of the Quotes." I don’t have that long to live -- thank Godless.

I’ll go first. Ann’s private pain must be neo-speak for unmentionable illegal activities of sociopathically-inclined famous people. In Scoppertop’s club, private pain has unmentionable-non-illegal-activities of normal, non-sociopathic-people status, but we were talking about Ann’s club. See? This game is child’s play.

In Ann’s club, what born-again Neocons do to avoid private pain is play frat-boy pranks like buying cartloads of stuff to keep and getting refunds on different cartloads of identical stuff. Or soliciting teenage girls and boys on the internet. Or voting illegally using an address where you’ve never lived while hideously insulting the wives of victims of the biggest hoax ever perpetrated on any nation in history. Ask Michael Ruppert.


Ann mostly loves to torment Democrats -- she often prophesies that they’re "known for unprotected sex with men they don’t intend to marry." Am I allowed to wonder how many of Ann’s ex-fiances were coerced into engagement by her promise of quasi-legitimate pre-marital sex? I think there were four of them, so A-C’s 4 for 4 in the private pain (PP) department.

Ann also claims Republicans are known as the anti-slavery party. Hmmm. Funny how all the anti-slavery party members relocated to the former pro-slavery States -- and aren’t we all slaves to their price-gouging and propaganda? Two more P’s for A-C’s chastity belt. But back to my favorite game.


Ann’s showcase begins with a time-travel trip to beautiful 1940’s Bavaria, complete with Nazi accent:

"Just a few weeks ago, (Al) Gore gave a speech accusing the Bush administration
of deploying "digital Brown Shirts" to intimidate journalists and pressure the media
into writing good things about Bush, in case you were wondering where all those
glowing articles about Bush were coming from." Ann Coulter 7/26/04

I derive my game’s perverse pleasure in knowing the digital brown shirts have since been exorcised, Ann... et Tu? Am I allowed to wonder whether the above could be an example of Ann’s alleged plagiaristic tendencies? In retrospect, A-C is correct -- Bush’s approval ratings have taken on a rather radioactive glow lately. Wouldn’t you know, I’d also like to suggest a name with lots of W’s for Ann’s club -- but I can’t think of one.


A-C’s secret favorite is concealing a fabulous four-year safari through the African veldt, playing blind-man’s bluff (or was their game called patsy-yellowcake?) with your personal "Club-Head" tour-guide:

"Rove had simply said Wilson went to Niger because of his wife, not his skill, expertise,
or common sense. It was the clown himself who outed his wife as an alleged "covert"
agent by saying he was not recommended by his wife, and thus the White House must
have been retaliating against him by mentioning his wife." Ann Coulter 7/13/05

What a trip. Gee, Ann, I’m beginning to wonder about your legal qualifications, too. Maybe you paid some blonde to take the bar exam FOR you and THAT’s why you dye your hair that yellowfake color!


Before we reveal the divine Abyss #3, let’s examine Ann’s bidding. We know presumed-innocents Claude Allen, Karl Rove, and Rush Limbaugh are recruits for the A-C club. How about Scooter-Pants Libby? One-Shot Cheney? Tom DeLayer Cake and Eat It Too? Jack--uhhhh--who-be-moff? And will there ever be a posthumous induction for Ken "where’s-the-body-and-when’s-the-funeral" Lay?

Ann is going to have to do better than squawk her mantra, "Take the NEO-Testimonial" to attract paying* membership. Here’s her Neomission Statement, in tongues:

~Bush is the Lord thy God, thou shalt suffer His word without end.

~Thou shalt worship no other God before Bush, blaming thou the graven Clinton image for all disasters.

~Thou shalt not speak the name of the Lord thy God in private pain.

~Remember the Election Day, and keep it hole-y.

~Honor thy father and thy mother, especially if they have offshore accounts.

~Thou shalt not kill, unless provoked, imaginary WMDs or not.

~Thou shalt not commit adultery, but mistresses, pedophilia, and porn aren’t really sex.

~Thou shalt not steal. Call it "suggested retail price" instead.

~Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor except for use as political capital and pre-emptive war. Don’t forget to block cease-fire attempts!

~Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, wife, ass, etc., only thy 2006 percent-per-gallon mark-up.

~Thou shalt not pay, in any way, shape, or form.[*]


And now I present the showcase Ann covets most, Abyss #3, where the contestant who bids closest to the actual retail price -- or is it cost -- receives Everlasting Life-Support in the Holy Land and the handy "Get Out of Hell Free Card." Democrats are Godless and therefore rendered ineligible for inclusion in the New Jerusalem, Heaven, or Hell, according to A-C, who dances the Apo-Calypso on their graves as an added bonus:

"In the history of the nation, there has never been a political party so ridiculous as today's Democrats. It's as if all the brain-damaged people in America got together and formed a voting bloc." Ann Coulter 1/12/06

Scoppertop is not a Democrat, but is brain-damaged, i.e., it’s too bad I couldn’t think of a fitting name for Ann’s club. I did manage to think of a sign with lots of W’s that Ann can post in the window of her clubhouse to pull people in off the street -- Wack-Ins Welcome -- and she’ll need a slogan: Keep the W sticker. Lose the Wisdom.

Give The Gift of Reason -- The National IQ Card!

Give the Gift of Reason - The National IQ Card!
  *by Scoppertop

Last year, Neocons had to sneak their undebated Real ID Card legislation inside an $82 billion Congressional request for funding our military in Iraq. Sure, other countries have them, but not with ALL their private pain on a "locator" chip that also includes a database for fraudsters to hack. Kommen Sie clean, boys! What’s the National ID Card for, really? And why 2008?

State Driver Licensing Agencies would be forced to issue the cards, and they’re mad about the idea. Logic dictates that since Real ID’s purported function is one of voting rights and immigration enforcement, it makes more sense for the Libraries or Immigration to operate and maintain the program.


What Neocons really need is a foolproof and legal way to identify those citizens who will fall for their propaganda and those who won’t. They're running 50/50. Behaving just as sneakily as the terrorists sets a bad example--and poses an unpopularity risk. Ooohhh. Too late.

I’m developing a new product to solve their credibility problems--the National IQ Card! My program will also include trick questions so Neocons can distinguish between Normal or Criminal Mentality. Norms and Crims scoring between 80-110 in the IQ-rating section are sure targets for Neocon manipulation.

An overall Gullibility Quotient (GQ) will be provided free with test results. Top-scoring Crims will be entered into a competition for a White House career! Upgrades include Blind Faith (BF), Terrorist Potential (TP), Sexual Persuasion (SP), and Recruitment Value (RV). Ask about my Upgrade Packages and save!


Here’s a few sample questions that I wish Americans would have studied before taking the bait...uhhh, exam:

1. Choose the correct definition of Political Lobby:

A) Graft & Bribery
B) Illegal or unfair gain
C) Bribery & Graft
D) All of the above
E) None of the above

The correct answer is D. Political Lobby is neo-speak for its original title, Bribery & Graft, which denotes illegal or unfair gain. Crims will choose E, and SPs will misread gain for "groin" and choose B.

2. MI-6 Chief in London leaks a 2002 memo stating the Bush Administration “Fixed Policy and Intelligence” around selling a premeditated Iraq War to the American people. If all of the following statements are false, then who invented the WMD?

A) George: Condi invented the WMD.
B) Condi: Don will tell you who invented the WMD.
C) Dick: I did not invent the WMD.
D) Karl: George, Dick, and I could not have invented the WMD.
E) Don: I invented the WMD, so George is innocent.

The correct answer is C. If Dick’s statement, “I did not invent the WMD” is false, we are sure that Dick invented the WMD. TPs will pick E, but Don’s statement that George is innocent is misleading -- we only know that George is not innocent, but not that he invented the WMD. BFs will choose A.

3. A two passenger airplane is spotted within 27 miles of the White House at 10:30. US Air Force is alerted by NORAD and the plane is surrounded and diverted within 7 miles of the White House at 10:55.

On 9/11/01, the first United Airlines jet was reported hijacked at 8:23. How long did it take NORAD to respond?

A) 25 minutes
B) 32 minutes
C) 2 hours, 32 minutes
D) 145 minutes
E) No one could have predicted that terrorists would hijack airplanes and fly them into buildings!

This one is messy to grade. Norms and Crims who pick E will merit an automatic 100% GQ rating. Anyone who already knows that VP Cheney ordered a military game of hijack and subsequent WTC crash simulation exercise on 9/11 will leave this one blank and become an automatic TP. RVs will go for A, B, or D, and FIs will choose C. Made ya' look!

ONLY $19,999,999,999,999.00

With my National IQ Card, intelligence issues will never plague the White House again! Neocons will always know who they’re dealing with--my IQ Card program is their recipe for success! No need to worry about a 21st-century Deep Throat to spoil the brothel!

Good Luck staying away from the hackers, MFAs -- and use a #2 pencil. No paper receipts given.

Black-Hole Voting

Black Hole Voting
  *by Scoppertop

What really sucks my lifeforce into the nearest abyss is all the analyzing and chad-picking about how our 2000, 2002, 2004, Iraq, and now the Mexico elections were stolen according to the three R's: race, religion, and richness. All the least desirable votes in those categories mysteriously vaporized. Not that the chad-pickers are wrong, they just offer no solutions.

Instead, they hurl accusations at warp-speed. With black hole voting, paper ballots are probably not the answer. Plus, they can be zapped just as easily as the untraceable votes. We need black hole campaign reform -- I kinda like the idea of liars and criminals being ejected off the planet into the troposphere and beyond.


Now that Karl's back to manning Battleship Badmouth, Pillory Hillary and Sideswipe Rice pre-qualify for the new 2008 Conventions' Head Start Programs. Galactic Sandkickers will be replacing flip-flops, or Zell Miller. Choose one.

I can already see the grit hitting the delegates. DNC's poster girl will be an evil-eye cyclops photoshop image of Sideswipe saying "It's Condi -- with an i," and RNC's will show a drowning Pillory clutching a rope tied to a toilet seat with the caption, "Hillary's Whitewater can't even afford to float an innertube behind Chevron's Condoleezza Rice."

I guess Neocon-types grow up learning to bomb...uhhh, rape...uhhh, pick on girls. Women are the original slaves -- the last humans given the right to vote, own property, run a church, or run for political office -- and it's the only reason women don't run this country. Or do we?

American women outvote our men by 3 percent. We give birth to little consumers. Anti-Abortion legislation guarantees more little consumers will grow up to be taxpayers -- just in time to save Social Security -- or fight planetary enemi...uhhh, terrorism.


Women have better ideas than men. At least I do. For example, military recruitment is only down because they're trolling for soldiers in all the wrong spots. My new "Code: Red Alert" Program will place Recruiters at mall, fundamentalist church, and "Town Hall Meeting" parking lots. They'll stake out vehicles with GOP or W stickers, whose owners have to leave sometime. Recruiters will shout Red Alert!, and GOP-vehicle owners will be shamed into enlisting a family member, or fight in Iraq themselves. Choose one.

There's one little problem with "Code: Red Alert." In the wake of WMD-gate, Fake-Osama-gate, Torture-gate, Wiretapping-gate, Port Security-gate, Divine Strake-gate, ad nauseum, W stickers are slowly dematerializing. In some cases, Recruiters will be able to spy a square of adhesive when the sticker has been removed. This is a no-no. Our Military must be able to identify people who voted for war but didn't feel the need to participate.


This is a job for Diebold! (Sorry, Karl, machines elect leaders, not people!) Voting systems don't need a paper trail -- they need a touch-screen program that will inject a party-choice-encoded flashing RFID chip under the index fingernail of every voter. GOPwarts will approve it, they're obviously into torture.

Republican voters can check their chip at a scanner to make sure their finger flashes red, ET-style, before they exit the polls. Then they, or their first-borns, can be escorted straight to Boot Camp, while blue, green, and purple fingers float serenely away from the black hole.

Words That Begin With "CON"

Words That Begin With "CON"
  *by Scoppertop

Dedicated to the memory of Ken Lay. Skillayed in peace.

A bit conspicuous in the disavowals, GOPwarts now has more gates than a slaughterhouse. We’ve got “Revenge of the Quotes” on the converse side. Sooner or later, somebody confesses.

RFK, Jr., is filing two Federal qui tam “whistleblower-aided” lawsuits with evidence from the stolen 2004 election, and after reading his Rolling Stone piece, I concur. We should be demanding paper ballots in all elections until further notice.

Somebody else is confessing -- without a Grand Jury -- and with a conscience! Colin Powell’s ex-#1 man, Lawrence Wilkerson, contends he was part of an umpteen-word hoax on America, claiming "How do you think that makes me feel?" I'll say "contemptible" is the word Lawrence was searching for. You?

No Blood or Food for Oil, ad extremum. No BOFFO, for short. After the 70's “Gas-War," I’d think cars could be getting 1000 mpg by now. Note how Gas-War and our stealy Prez have the same initials. Sort of like Ann Coulter and Anti-Christ.

A peek at oil research would show you it isn’t fossil fuel we’re burning, but some goop concocted inside our planet. (Goop is GOP, for short--and don't forget to change your synthetic oil every 3,000 miles!) Could it be that oil and natural gas just might have a conceivable purpose for being underground? Like keeping the lava down?

I don’t know about Earth, but it sure gives me an earthquake just thinking about how big-oil conglomerates could have given one million dollars to every (legal) man, woman, and child in America with 2005’s profit, and still paid “Mr. Exxon” a $400 million bonus.

Maybe my math is unconvincing. Or wrong. Skillayed to death, even. We could hope His Fristiness at least considered giving us heart pacemakers with free installation (a $10,000 value?), rather than his $100 insult.

The most highly religious societies are #1 in violent conflict, proven in the UN’s Human Development Report 2005, who concede by honoring atheistic nations with the top rankings in human development and all quality of life categories. Odd.

One confusing thing about Abra-kaDubya’s messianic vision: none of his Armageddon-conjuring followers will end up chosen for eternal life by any God I’m aware of.

Imagine the convulsion ‘round the globe of the WACOs (We Are the Chosen Ones -- ask any Religion) when 2012 concludes with only man-made nukes and they’re left behind, condemned with fallout of a “personal” kind. Along with their "condemned." Talk about mad -- they’ll be speaking in tongues, if they still have one. Stay tuned for “How to Speak In Tongues to Ann Coulter.”

For lack of a good place besides concrete to put our heads and hands, 68% of Americans are hung up in stocks about our constitutional freedoms. Instead of throwing garbage (like good citizens threw at Bush’s limo when he took over the White House in 2001), let’s contemplate the document that made them possible. Good-Old-Thomas Jefferson says the People have the Right to alter or abolish a Greedy-Old-Prevaricator-type of government and start over.

Of the 27 crimes-in-chief that Jefferson accuses King George, Abra-kaDubya has committed 26. I had to leave out #11 because he’s the W-A-R president. Was Independence Day 2006 too soon for W-E The People to begin regaining control of our nation? If not, I’ve got a “WE The People” bumper sticker for sale. Cheep-cheep!

Abra-kaDubya and his Death-Beaters are conniving like Wile E. Coyote, ready to push the plunger on their ACME Nuke-O-Matic Model #2, with the fuse snaking around the UN and ending in Iran. Or Las Vegas. Unless, of course, they're conspiring to dump the "New Pearl Harbor Model" on US. Again. (See CONFABULATION) A heads-up -- they’ll be blaming this one on North Korea -- last week’s conclusively failed tests were likely a sneak preview of our next pearl.

Don’t we already know the Death-Beaters won’t get away with their crusty old WMD ploy again? IMO, a mushroom cloud blooming anywhere on the globe is worse than seeing Bush/Cheney’s outlines imbedded at the foot of a cliff. Beep-Beep!
After all, you’d have to be unconscious to still be defending all those lies.

Hey, a million-dollar rebate from Big Oil might convince me to keep my Scoppertrap shut, but I figure I’m doing my part by having the guts to spread the word, while the Death-Beaters have my phone number. Word.

Four Hotels on Boardwalk

Four Hotels on Boardwalk
  *by Scoppertop

Now that Enron's Lay and Skilling have been convicted, I propose we call "fraud" a new slangy name like getting "Skillayed". Of course, they're appealing... in a "using the money they stole for their own criminal defense, instead of paying back the people they defrauded" way.

Meanwhile, everyone else prays they won't roll the number that will land them square on somebody's Boardwalk with four hotels. The Lays and Skillings of this world view their customers and employees as no more than diecast pot-metal figurines skipping around a game board. They can see your cash piled neatly into denominations and don't care what color they get, as long as they get it all.


Lay and Skilling are poor-mouthing. I'm sure it's because they couldn't possibly leak out that they've hidden their billions in offshore accounts. Poor Ken's mismanaged "discoverable" funds made him put his family properties up for collateral to pay his attorneys. He knows they'd only want more if they knew where it was. Awwww. I feel for him.

Sentencing is next. Pick a card... will it be Go to Jail, Go directly to Jail, Do not pass Go, Do not collect $200 billion dollars? Doubtful. Kenny Boy only rolls double sixes. Greg Palast reported years ago that Bush lifted the Speculative Power Trading Ban within 72 hours of taking office in 2001, which protected Americans from the very fraud Enron committed.

You've got to wonder if Big Oil can copy Enron's model and a similar "skillaying" is occuring among Big Greasy execs. You know you're living in an autocracy when your auto costs more to feed than your family. In their game, all you have to do is wait three turns as Bush appointees instead of going to jail. YOU try defrauding millions of customers and see what happens.


Speaking of appointees, Karl Rove is off the jail-hook now, too -- free to swift-boat every challenger to the W-stapo regime with abandon. Just in time for November. So, now it's going to become lunatic-fringey to want to get rid of a bunch of crooks. All brought to you by the "criminalization" of wanting white-collar criminals to pay for their crimes. says both sides are mis-representin' in campaigns thus far, and reports that voters are insulted.

What the W-stapo needs are some new game tokens. And a new game. How about MoNEOpoly?


The all-time favorite Monopoly™ token is the race car. No wonder we're oil addicts. I bet Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld would fight over the cannon, so I'll invent WMD tokens for them, or they can re-use the WMDs they invented for Iraq. A mobile weapons lab would be a nice touch for Cheney. I'll make a pink judge's gavel for Scooter. Condi would definitely want a different shoe, so I'd design a high-heeled gas pump for her to play with. Maybe an oil tanker would be more to her taste, but the boat I have in mind is reserved for Karl.

MoNEOpoly would need a shill token, but I don't think you could tell it was O'Reilly or Limbaugh on such a tiny die-cast figure. Besides, they wouldn't be able to stand up, and we all know those two probably don't have much of a third leg to stand behind. If they did, they wouldn't have to behave the way they do. Duh. It's so obvious.

I know -- the shill could be a little die-cast turd-pile. Rove could fight them for that one, especially if Condi happens to nab the boat first. Instead of houses and hotels, MoNEOpoly will use replicas of WTC 1 and 2 for the hotels, and WTC 7 for the lower rent category. Just don't land on them.